Monday, April 26, 2010

More stupid fears

I have a paralyzing fear of water. Not the water itself, but more like all the shit living in the water that I am convinced is waiting to eat me. I blame this lame ass movie 100%

Ok so in this movie, that I barely remember other than the fact that it warped me for life, a bunch of piranha are accidentally released and start eating kids at a summer camp, and at the end I think they make it to the ocean. This led to fun childhood experiences like me SHRIEKING LIKE A LUNATIC AND RUNNING OUT OF THE WATER because this fish in Florida decided it wanted to get a better look at my bathing suit - naturally it was a piranha that wanted to eat me. That was the same summer I learned that flailing in hysterics and jumping around screaming PIRANHAS!!!! will make your mother slap you repeatedly in public.

Unfortunately, I just discovered a show called "River Monsters." This show is the reason that I will not even be able to scrub a toilet without freaking out that piranhas are going to come flying out and eat my face. Let em show you a list of creatures that are totally fucking unacceptable and should be extinct or at least moved to a planet I do not live on:


Technically it's called a "Payara." I call it an "OMFG GET IT AWAY."

Next up is the Goliath Tigerfish:

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!!!!! WHY IS THIS NECESSARY?!?!?!?!!!! Holy shit I almost threw up and peed simultaneously when I saw the teeth. This is completely uncalled for.

Lukily I just learned about teh candiru, so I will never pee again:

A fish that swims up your pee-hole? AWESOME!

And fucking bull sharks. Fuck.this.

The people who know me are probably cackling because for the longest time as a kid I wanted to be a marine biologist. This was before I realized that nature was scary.

I have always had ocean-phobia since the water on the Jersey shore is effing disgusting and murky and you can't see your feet - but needless to say that when I learned that NJ has more shark attacks than any other US state, I was sold on staying on the beach.

Did I mention the time when I was visiting my grandparents in Florida and I made friends with the girl next door, and we went to jump in her pool and there was a goddamn gigantic alligator chillin at the bottom? NO POOLS FOR ME! Even in gator-free pools, I have freaked myself out by convincing myself I was actually in a shark tank and the sharks were waiting to attack (oh mental illness, you ruin summer).

For now I'm happy in my lawnchair, holding my beer, dangling my feet into teh plastic baby pool.

For now.


  1. Everyone wants to be a marine biologist until they figure out it doesn't mean you get to swim with dolphins all day. Damn real life. Why can't actual jobs be like the ones I envisioned when I was ten?

  2. I saw a horse get it's leg ripped off by a shark when I was in Puerto Rico and that was the final nail in the Marine Biology coffin. At that point I was hoping that the piranhas would eat the sharks....

  3. My ex once joked that Jersey water is what they use to fill glow sticks with. I'd be afraid of that shit too.