Wednesday, June 2, 2010

More school drama

Ok, the only pre schools I can find for H seem to cost more than my college tuition. I am not joking. FOR PRE SCHOOL? WTF? YOU COLOR AND GLUE AND SHIT, WHY IS IT $16K?!?

So at any rate, I am back to the homeschooling thing. This means I'd be doing my online college classes, and doing pre-k with Helena with the Calvert curriculum - in case you want to check it out. I'd also have to work part time, because ummmm we like to do things like eat and live indoors.

As a bipolar parent, this is a difficult decision. What if I get "sick" and can't be an effective teacher? Granted it's pre-school, but still, I highly value education. What will happen to my future employment prospects if I spend a year teaching my daughter pre-school? One of the good things would be that without a full time job I'd be able to transfer to a school for histology or pathology (I really want to do infectious disease/epidemiology), and teach H around my classes - but who wants to hire someone with such a spotty work history? Being bipolar creates a ...."colorful" enough resume without "took a year off to do crafts and stuff with my 4 year old."

I just don't know. I just don't know, and there are so many decisions and there is nothing definitely RIGHT and definitely WRONG so I just have no idea what to do. So I am floundering.

It's really important to me that my babies have the best in everything, no matter how hard I need to work for it, but $16K preschool is just.....I can't. There aren't enough hours in a day for me to work even if I worked non stop for me to pay that type of tuition. I would love to home school. I'd LOVE that bonding time - but would I screw over my future earning potential and therefore hurt my family more than help us?

I am just a huge ball of anxiety.

I pray for peace.

Monday, May 24, 2010

School days, school days....

K is all set up and registered fro her first year of Kindergarten at the charter school I was crossing my fingers she'd get into, so I should be happy, right?

Of course not.

See, the cool think about this school is that it isn't a district school - you can live anywhere in the state and attend with priority given to siblings. This means I can get H in easily for Kindergarten next year/whenever she starts since she misses the cut off, but I'd also be able to get step kid enrolled, too.

My stepchild's mother has all the charm of a warthog, but whatever. I figured if I can get her kid into an excellent school *free*, and provide transportation both ways and am even willing to do homework and dinner with her so she can spend more time with her father and her stepsisters, what's not to love, right? If it were me I would have been like O HELL YEAH - HOW MUCH GAS MONEY DO YOU WANT?!

Naturally this has turned into me being untrustworthy driving alone in a car with her child (because I'm going to take her off in the woods or something WITH MY KIDS IN THE CAR TOO? ON THE WAY TO SCHOOL? WHAT?)

I really try to be the adult and do good for the kids, but my patience is beyond worn thin with this nonsense.

AM I wrong? Even if she hated the idea, a simple "Thank you for thinking about my child" would have been nice....

Educating three children is killing me lately. My two girls will be in the Charter school until 8th grade, at which point I have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. I have always wanted them to go to prep schools, but I am looking at around $30K/kid per year and there just isn't that kind of money no matter WHAT I do. Naturally I'd want my step kid to get all the benefits my two get, so we are now up to $90/k for school per year and I'm dizzy and it's impossible. I know I have time to worry, but the awesome thing about panic disorders is that it just means I will worry THANT MUCH LONGER.

It's really depressing to know that at this point no matter what I do, I'll never be able to give my kids "the best". I'm a mentally ill uneducated/college student mother, working a mediocre job that makes em want to eat a bullet, and I can't even afford pre-school for my youngest daughter. Private school? Yeah right... I'm so embarrassed to be a mother sometimes because I feel like I've got nothing to offer them.

My step-daughter's mother fighting just for teh sake of argument helps nothing, naturally, but I still include her child in SHIT I CANNOT AFFORD!!!!!!

I just realized I need to take TWO girls back-to-school shopping this summer. I've also been out of work due to a severe illness that landed me in the hospital so half my paycheck will be gone and YAY! My fiance is still unemployed.

God help me.

Monday, May 10, 2010

I survived Mother's Day


I went to the baptism party of the baby of my friends. My youngest daughter must have eaten 15 plates of food, and my oldest to the opportunity to act a damn fool as we were trying to leave. I did my best to not act like all depression zombie.

Sometimes I feel like people are happy and have nice lives simply to point out how I do not. That's probably not ration but seriously? I am sick of everyone's happiness. It leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.

Speaking of nasty tastes, I just threw up the prozac my doctor put me on to try to stop the cymbalta withdrawal. Why? The cymbalta doesn't work anymore, and even if it did, I can't afford it. He also said "Don't let the door hit you on the ass..." though in not so many words, as we have officially run out of treatment options.

I'm screwed.

He asked me about how I feel about the kids, and I was like "they're fine." I think they are expecting me to either get all OMG DROWNING THEM IN THE TUB BRB or fall all over the floor proclaiming my undying affection. I can't figure out a way to explain that there isn't just "I love my kids yay!!!" and "I ate one for dinner" - there is a whole valley of "feels nothing." My kids *are* fine. I feel "fine" about them at the moment.

"Fine" is all I have the energy left for.

So in short:

*My dog is dying
*There are no treatment options left for me
*I am being harassed by my social worker for not completing/seeking treatment that as we have established, does not exist.

It's a non stop donkey show. Basically? Business as usual.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Well gee isn't this nice

I knew I was too happy...

In the past few days I have run out of Cymbalta (I get more Monday, but I will start getting violently ill by this evening), had a hell of a time at work, and now my dog is dying.

Agnes has DCM, which is a common genetic heart condition in giant breed dogs. This would be why she dropped so much weight so quickly and couldn't put more on.

My 130lb dog? Weights 92 lbs now and looks like something off of Animal Cops. My fiance took her to the vet for me because I knew it was going to be something bad and I didn't want to freak out.

So yeah, my best friend will be dead soon, and there's nothing I can do.


I'm so sorry, baby. I don't know what I'm going to do without you.

Needless to say, I'm not well right now.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Stupid cops

So a little elderly woman is sitting at a fast food restaurant, talking to Satan. The police are called, and the cop goes up to her and freaks out because she is reaching for a suitcase. She claims she is getting a cigarette. Cop tries to take her suitcase, so she punches him in the eye.

*If somebody is that out of it, just give them a goddamn cigarette, don't start grabbing and touching their stuff. Could she have a weapon, maybe - but maybe she just wanted a cigarette. EVERYBODY SMOKES, I am sure somebody could have pulled out a cigarette and stopped this.

*Dude, she was *talking to Satan*. Doesn't that tell you something? Also, she was talking to Satan, it's rude to interrupt a conversation.

*Learn to duck better.

I feel like officers need better training in dealing with the severely mentally ill. Too many people don't know what to do, or simply think it's hilarious or they go RAMBO on us.

During one of my...not so good...moments, I was flipping out about my fiance selling me to the military to be raped by zombies. Instead of listening to what I was saying (YES, I KNOW IT WAS BAT SHIT INSANE) - they decided the way to fix the situation was to call a ton of security guards (with badges= military in my crazy land) and grab at me, throw me down and start ripping my clothes off. I ended up ripping chunks of my hair out and biting myself bloody in fear.


Just. Play. Along. I bet they all had a good laugh about the crazy bitch they got to body slam, too.

During one of my stints in the wacky shack I had a schizophrenic roommate who insisted I was the only one she could trust because I was a Navy SEAL. Hey sure, why not. Then she was flipping out about the lava in our room, until I pointed out that she could just walk around it. Flip out instantly stopped. I don't know why people have such an incessant need for everyone to share the same reality all the time - sometimes there are bigger issues to worry about, like protecting EVERYONE'S safety, not just those lucky enough to be mentally healthy.

I mean, I feel bad that she punched him nevermind, I'm not even going to bullshit you like that.

Thursday, April 29, 2010


Tomorrow I am registering K (the oldest) for Kindergarten. KINDERGARTEN. I can't believe she is going to be five. H is getting put into a pre-school program, which is awesome because her birthday is in November so she misses the cut off date for EVERYTHING but is usually too smart for kids her age.

I am obsessed with something going wrong. I'll forget a form, or the school will lose the paperwork, or SOME PROBLEM WILL OCCUR. I can't handle snags. If everything doesn't go smoothly, I freak. I am so preoccupied with something possibly going wrong I cannot even enjoy this step in my children's lives. I just keep organizing and reorganizing stacks of paperwork.

Monday, April 26, 2010

More stupid fears

I have a paralyzing fear of water. Not the water itself, but more like all the shit living in the water that I am convinced is waiting to eat me. I blame this lame ass movie 100%

Ok so in this movie, that I barely remember other than the fact that it warped me for life, a bunch of piranha are accidentally released and start eating kids at a summer camp, and at the end I think they make it to the ocean. This led to fun childhood experiences like me SHRIEKING LIKE A LUNATIC AND RUNNING OUT OF THE WATER because this fish in Florida decided it wanted to get a better look at my bathing suit - naturally it was a piranha that wanted to eat me. That was the same summer I learned that flailing in hysterics and jumping around screaming PIRANHAS!!!! will make your mother slap you repeatedly in public.

Unfortunately, I just discovered a show called "River Monsters." This show is the reason that I will not even be able to scrub a toilet without freaking out that piranhas are going to come flying out and eat my face. Let em show you a list of creatures that are totally fucking unacceptable and should be extinct or at least moved to a planet I do not live on:


Technically it's called a "Payara." I call it an "OMFG GET IT AWAY."

Next up is the Goliath Tigerfish:

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!!!!! WHY IS THIS NECESSARY?!?!?!?!!!! Holy shit I almost threw up and peed simultaneously when I saw the teeth. This is completely uncalled for.

Lukily I just learned about teh candiru, so I will never pee again:

A fish that swims up your pee-hole? AWESOME!

And fucking bull sharks. Fuck.this.

The people who know me are probably cackling because for the longest time as a kid I wanted to be a marine biologist. This was before I realized that nature was scary.

I have always had ocean-phobia since the water on the Jersey shore is effing disgusting and murky and you can't see your feet - but needless to say that when I learned that NJ has more shark attacks than any other US state, I was sold on staying on the beach.

Did I mention the time when I was visiting my grandparents in Florida and I made friends with the girl next door, and we went to jump in her pool and there was a goddamn gigantic alligator chillin at the bottom? NO POOLS FOR ME! Even in gator-free pools, I have freaked myself out by convincing myself I was actually in a shark tank and the sharks were waiting to attack (oh mental illness, you ruin summer).

For now I'm happy in my lawnchair, holding my beer, dangling my feet into teh plastic baby pool.

For now.