Monday, May 24, 2010

School days, school days....

K is all set up and registered fro her first year of Kindergarten at the charter school I was crossing my fingers she'd get into, so I should be happy, right?

Of course not.

See, the cool think about this school is that it isn't a district school - you can live anywhere in the state and attend with priority given to siblings. This means I can get H in easily for Kindergarten next year/whenever she starts since she misses the cut off, but I'd also be able to get step kid enrolled, too.

My stepchild's mother has all the charm of a warthog, but whatever. I figured if I can get her kid into an excellent school *free*, and provide transportation both ways and am even willing to do homework and dinner with her so she can spend more time with her father and her stepsisters, what's not to love, right? If it were me I would have been like O HELL YEAH - HOW MUCH GAS MONEY DO YOU WANT?!

Naturally this has turned into me being untrustworthy driving alone in a car with her child (because I'm going to take her off in the woods or something WITH MY KIDS IN THE CAR TOO? ON THE WAY TO SCHOOL? WHAT?)

I really try to be the adult and do good for the kids, but my patience is beyond worn thin with this nonsense.

AM I wrong? Even if she hated the idea, a simple "Thank you for thinking about my child" would have been nice....

Educating three children is killing me lately. My two girls will be in the Charter school until 8th grade, at which point I have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. I have always wanted them to go to prep schools, but I am looking at around $30K/kid per year and there just isn't that kind of money no matter WHAT I do. Naturally I'd want my step kid to get all the benefits my two get, so we are now up to $90/k for school per year and I'm dizzy and it's impossible. I know I have time to worry, but the awesome thing about panic disorders is that it just means I will worry THANT MUCH LONGER.

It's really depressing to know that at this point no matter what I do, I'll never be able to give my kids "the best". I'm a mentally ill uneducated/college student mother, working a mediocre job that makes em want to eat a bullet, and I can't even afford pre-school for my youngest daughter. Private school? Yeah right... I'm so embarrassed to be a mother sometimes because I feel like I've got nothing to offer them.

My step-daughter's mother fighting just for teh sake of argument helps nothing, naturally, but I still include her child in SHIT I CANNOT AFFORD!!!!!!

I just realized I need to take TWO girls back-to-school shopping this summer. I've also been out of work due to a severe illness that landed me in the hospital so half my paycheck will be gone and YAY! My fiance is still unemployed.

God help me.

Monday, May 10, 2010

I survived Mother's Day


I went to the baptism party of the baby of my friends. My youngest daughter must have eaten 15 plates of food, and my oldest to the opportunity to act a damn fool as we were trying to leave. I did my best to not act like all depression zombie.

Sometimes I feel like people are happy and have nice lives simply to point out how I do not. That's probably not ration but seriously? I am sick of everyone's happiness. It leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.

Speaking of nasty tastes, I just threw up the prozac my doctor put me on to try to stop the cymbalta withdrawal. Why? The cymbalta doesn't work anymore, and even if it did, I can't afford it. He also said "Don't let the door hit you on the ass..." though in not so many words, as we have officially run out of treatment options.

I'm screwed.

He asked me about how I feel about the kids, and I was like "they're fine." I think they are expecting me to either get all OMG DROWNING THEM IN THE TUB BRB or fall all over the floor proclaiming my undying affection. I can't figure out a way to explain that there isn't just "I love my kids yay!!!" and "I ate one for dinner" - there is a whole valley of "feels nothing." My kids *are* fine. I feel "fine" about them at the moment.

"Fine" is all I have the energy left for.

So in short:

*My dog is dying
*There are no treatment options left for me
*I am being harassed by my social worker for not completing/seeking treatment that as we have established, does not exist.

It's a non stop donkey show. Basically? Business as usual.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Well gee isn't this nice

I knew I was too happy...

In the past few days I have run out of Cymbalta (I get more Monday, but I will start getting violently ill by this evening), had a hell of a time at work, and now my dog is dying.

Agnes has DCM, which is a common genetic heart condition in giant breed dogs. This would be why she dropped so much weight so quickly and couldn't put more on.

My 130lb dog? Weights 92 lbs now and looks like something off of Animal Cops. My fiance took her to the vet for me because I knew it was going to be something bad and I didn't want to freak out.

So yeah, my best friend will be dead soon, and there's nothing I can do.


I'm so sorry, baby. I don't know what I'm going to do without you.

Needless to say, I'm not well right now.