Mondays always mean new discussion topics at school, and this week we are covering "intimate relationships." Mondays are also my day off, which means I get to stare longingly out the window at the beautiful weather while I wade through my required reading and finish my assignments. Sigh...
Today's discussion point was "Why is forming an intimate relationship risky?" I guess to really be able to answer, you need to look at the aspects of an intimate relationship:
Intimacy: The ability to share feelings
Social integration: The ability to share worries and concerns
Nuturance: to have someone to care for and be cared for by (pretend that is grammar)
Assistance: to help during times of need
Affirmation:to be told that you matter as a person
Awwwwwww, right? That sounds just ducky. One of the points brought up is that the ability to form intimate relationships is as vital to wellness as proper nutrition.
Perhaps this explains why I'm also fat...
As I was outlining the above information, I was thinking of a more realistic view of my intimate relationships, or rather, the fact that I can't actually form them or this would happen:
Me: "Ugh today at work was such shit. And why do I have so many stupid toes? Where are the pliers?"
Me: Sure! I'd love to go to that party with you!! Wait, are there going to be people there? I'm pretty terrified of people..Will they be drinking? Drunk guys will rape me. What if You go to the bathroom and I get kidnapped and raped and left in the woods with my head cut off?!? WHAT IS YOU LEAVE ME THERE??? YOU WON'T LEAVE WITHOUT ME, RIGHT?
Boyfriend: ...why don't we just order Chinese instead?
Me: DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN THAT?!?! DO YOU WANT ME TO GET FAT? YOU HATE ME!
Me: OMG I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, SURE YOU CAN SIT AROUND ALL DAY AND NOT WORK AND I WILL COOK AND CLEAN AND RAISE KIDS AND HAVE FOUR JOBS OMG DO YOU NEED SOME MONEY????! YOU LOVE ME, RIGHT?
Boyfriend: Marry me Plz.
***several months later***
me:I just found out I'm pregna- hey??? WHERE ARE YOU GOING????
boyfriend: PEACE OUT!
I don't have any banter for this one. Usually what happens is I get symptomatic and seek help for myself, and while I'm adjusting to new meds and unable to work, or in the hospital, everyone forgets I ever existed. The absolute SHITTIEST part of bipolar is people using you until there just isn't anything left, and then being tossed out with the trash.
There is no affirmation for bipolar people once we get symptomatic. Then instead of being told "Oh well you aren't *REALLY* bipolar, you're so normal!" we get told things like "Kill yourself already," or "You are just a bipolar psycho bitch" and other fun phrases.
I think one of my biggest problems with intimate relationships is that I genuinely don't find most people WORTH a friendship. Other people are backstabbing and petty, and they always seem to WANT something. My relationships always turn into me doing everything and getting nothing in return. Conversations where I'm bearing my soul leave me feeling like I'm banging my head on a brick wall. There is also the 100% chance that they will bail when I need them, as time has shown over and over. Oh, and then they will turn themselves into the wonderful martyr that was SEW IN LUV with the mean evil bipolar girl who should be burned at the stake and they deserve a parade. My favorite have been abusive boyfriends whose excuse was "She's crazy" AND IT WORKED.
So really, what the eff is the point?
In the past two years I have pretty much devoted myself solely to my children, with my fiance coming in second and the rest of the world held at bay with a friendly smile and a casual Hello while I find any excuse to walk away.
Strangely, I feel much healthier with next to zero face-to-face time outside of what my job subjects me to. I am almost wondering if the MUST HAVE LOADS OF FRIENDS AT ALL COSTS that I have had beaten into my head by therapists wasn't just adding to the anxiety...and the constant rejection and betrayal didn't do all that much for the ole self esteem, I can tell you that much.
I'm much happier living in my own head. Other people can't get in here.
My marriage is going to be very, very interesting.