I never actively made the decision to have children; to be honest I kinda just suck at birth control. Another fun part of mental illness is having people discourage you from having children (they feel it is their right to say *lovely* things) while also encouraging you to have AS MANY BABIES AS POSSIBLE. Human beings are an endangered species, and therefore it is my womanly duty to pop out babies like a Pez dispenser, or so my doctors would have liked to believe.
I never took psychiatric medicines when I was pregnant, and to be honest my complete birth control fail might have had something to do with me frolicking around med-free. But whatever. Sperm happens. At any rate, I became inseminated with baby #1. When "normies", as I oh-so-lovingly call you sane people become pregnant, they are met with hearty congratulations, baby showers, and parties. When crazy people become pregnant, we get asked when the abortion is. I never got congratulations, I got eye-rolls. The complete lack of basic decency I had to deal with on a daily basis greatly added to the hormone induced depression I was dealing with, so I spent nine months wanting to crawl into a hole and die. Thanks again, by the way... When I was around 8 months pregnant, I made the decision to have a tubal ligation. I felt like crap, I got treated like crap, and I never wanted to be pregnant again.
Did you know there is a WAITING PERIOD for a tubal? I didn't either. Hence baby #2
I didn't even bother telling the majority of people in my life I was pregnant because I got treated like complete shit the first time, but rumors travel fast. This time I even got offers to have my abortion paid for! If only all pregnant women could know the joy of unsolicited abortions, the world would be wonderful, wouldn't it? (But I'm crazy, and therefore have no feelings). This time I walked into my Dr's office at like 30 seconds pregnant and demanded a tubal. I got offered birth control pills. I demanded a tubal. I was offered an IUD. I DEMANDED A TUBAL, and I was told I didn't have enough children. I DEMANDED A TUBAL, and explained that I was on my second high risk pregnancy, mentally ill, and already had an infant at home. I was told to go home and think about it.
So I demanded a tubal. Once it became obvious that my ass wasn't waddling out of the OB office without my tubal form, they finally let me sign it.
After my youngest was born, I had extremely heavy periods that would have me bedridden for a week out of the month. I asked for an ablation. An ablation is basically...well..having boiling water poured into your uterus to burn the insides so you don't bleed anymore. Lovely, right?
I was told no, because I might want more children. I was offered birth control pills AGAIN (did I mention hormonal birth control makes me totally flip out?) After a TUBAL (to avoid pills forever), I was told that I might want more kids. Was "permanent birth control" not enough of an indicator that I DID NOT WANT TO BE PREGNANT? I guess not. It took me three doctors to find one who would agree to it.
Naturally after the ablation, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. Of course. Hysterectomy, here I come! (Well, went. That was last Easter.)
I can barely stifle my laughter when people launch into rants about how evil mentally ill parents are for subjecting our poor wikkle baybees to ourselves - has anyone pointed out how difficult it really is to AVOID children? On top of the "pop 'em out" mentality that the majority of OB/GYNs have, once you have a psych diagnosis they assume you are too stupid and crazy to know if you even want kids anyway. My desire to have a tubal was brushed off as "depression" or "not being rational", when really?
I kinda just wanted to avoid subjecting kids to me.
I also wanted to avoid subjecting myself to another 9 months of rude remarks. There are no baby showers and cards when you are bipolar. There is no "happy."
The only happy memory I have from two pregnancies is having complete strangers from the Internet (readers of my online journal) send me flowers to my hospital room after my youngest was born. It still amazes me that total strangers could be so kind.